On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
dude. I can hear the air.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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