I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
