How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
