I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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