My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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