she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
