I just threw up on my dentist
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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