I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
