I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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