Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
