guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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