i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
