My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
