i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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