When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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