I just made out with a guy for $7.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
