I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
