Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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