just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
