lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I still have a little drunk in my system
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
