someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
