So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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