How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
