Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
MIDGETS
????
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
