I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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