Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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