The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
