I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize