I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
