i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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