Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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