You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
