: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
