Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
a search helicopter?!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I won't apologize to a one balled man
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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