I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
one might say we're banned from that church
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
