I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
