It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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