remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
