I didn't shave. On purpose
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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