Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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