Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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