I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
