I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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