My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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