We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
