buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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