Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
