So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
