You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
