u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
