So drunk its hurt
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
