You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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