So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
