Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
