i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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