Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
