paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
