I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
