Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
