im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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