you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
